How does it feel to be a dreamer?

Well I can say it’s great… since I was little, I always have my dreams and imagination. One of the dream that I remember was that I wished I had a twin sister…and no… it’s not happening, my mom never came to me until this day telling me that I had a twin sister :p. There are dreams that only an imagination, and there are dreams that we can reach if we really want it to happen.

Meanwhile I have a lot of dreams that I want it to come true. If I can list it down, here are some of my dreams:
1. Being a writer, write a book or writing that can inspire people to get to the full of themselves and be happy
2. Traveling to cool places in the world like going to Europe, Greece, Israel, Brazil, Africa, Christmas in New York, Tibet, Bhutan, and so many other places :)
3. Touching and feeling the snow also one of my dreams
4. Meeting Paulo Coelho, spending a nice tea time together while discussion about life, and writing a book with Paulo (this is really a big dream :p)
5. Helping the less fortunate people (I might be selfish to put this dream as number 5 :p)
6. Establish a place for elderly people to live happily and at the same time a place for the less fortunate kids to stay and have a family
7. Having my portrait painted by some street artist with the European background
8. Set up my own business
9. Marrying a good trustable guy who has integrity (well it’s on number 9 list, and sound very complicated criteria for the guy) and have great cheerful funny and beautiful kids :p
10. To see my Oma recognizing me again, knowing that it’s me, her favorite grand daughter, and I want to show her by that time that I’m marrying a great guy as I promised her years ago before she suffers from the senility.
11. Being the unseen angel for those who need help :p (well I start by collecting pretty angels in my house)
12. Living in Tuscany for a few months and pretend to be an Italian :p
13. Winning a noble prize for a certain category… which I don’t know yet what is that :p
14. Able to make the best tiramisu in the world
15. and so many other dreams

Well my dreams are going to be just dreams if I never do anything. These days I try to pay more attention to my dreams, and evaluate what I can do to reach each one of it step by step, slowly but sure.

This time last year, I was dreaming, praying and hoping to be able to have my own house, believe it or not God bought me a nice apartment which is only a walking distance from my office. This time last year, I didn’t think that I would have that much of money to buy the apartment, but believe it or not, the one I call Lord or God (sometimes) giving me things beyond my expectation :). He surprises me with a nice apartment at the beginning of this year. I said God bought me this apartment, because by that time I didn’t know that I would have enough money for the down payment, and suddenly I have money enough to pay the down payment. Though I still have to pay the 80% through the loan from the bank, I still believe that every month I’m blessed with the money for paying my apartment.

Another dream to come true… I think I will go to Europe in short time, which I never thought that this would happen as soon as now. I’m so excited, because so far until now everything seems so smooth, I get the ticket, my mom excited to hear me going with a hope that I would meet someone who will be my husband :p (well she’s so desperate for me to get married soon, since my younger sister will get married next month :p), my uncle, my cousin, my best friends… they are all excited and helping me preparing everything. From the winter jacket, the stocking (believe it or not), the route, places to go :), the food I should eat, where to find the street artist to paint my pictures… I’m so excited, though I try to keep it down, I mean in a normal excitement level, since I haven’t got my visa yet, but I cannot help of being so happy like this.

I do really believe when we dream good dreams, a positive dreams that can make our soul happy… those dreams will come true if we want to wake up in the morning and try to make it through. There’s a time to dream, and there’s a time to make the dreams come true.

I always encourage everyone to have dreams, and I love to hear other people’s dream, from the simple one to the complex dreams :). Because I do believe that dreams make people alive in their soul. People without dream looks like a living body but comma in the inside. Sometimes to reach the dreams, we need to leave the convenience stage in life, and learn to step our feet out to the uncertainty, then life will open itself toward us and showing us secrets to reach the dreams we have. Sometimes to reach our dreams, we have to leave all that we have… sometimes we have to leave the precious thing in our life, just to move our feet forward reaching our dreams. Well it sounds dangerous and uncertain, but I believe that’s the art of reaching the dreams.

To reach your dreams sometimes you have to let go things that you have in your hands, once you let go those you grab tightly in your hand, life will send you other things better than the one you hold closely before. Never hold certain thing in life too tight, because if we do so then we will never let other better things to come to into our lives.

I feel like ‘Santiago’ in one of Paulo’s famous book, the alchemist. That we should nurture our dreams, and make it come true, that’s how to keep our soul alive and excited :).

I feel so happy and contented now :)

Posted: November 26th, 2008 under Thoughts.
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Recently I’m dealing with a marriage thought. My younger sister is getting married by the end of the year, and she’s confuse what to give to me as a gift because she gets married before me. It’s a tradition when the younger one getting married before the older one, she/he should give a gift as a precondition. Well I love to see her getting married, because I believe that she’s marrying the right person, though he might not be the perfect one, but I believe that he’s trying his best to make my sister happy.

On the other side, I’m also hearing a story of my friend who is about to get married, but along the way, while the due date is counting down and less than a month, people around him – his best friends since school days, and family – seems not really approving him to marry this girl for a certain reason. And somehow he’s not very sure as well whether he’s doing the right thing or not. Somehow I can feel the burden and fears he has in him these days. Should we get married when we’re not really sure to do it? Or is it only a temporary jitter? No one can answer it but him. Though I can imagine how hard it is, when we know we should step back while everything has been set. The dilemma is a big trapped, and the way of thinking set by society sometimes traps us to choose the wrong decision just because it’s ashamed if we cancel a wedding that has been set. For me, it’s a totally wrong mindset. Nothing is important than the peacefulness inside me. So if cancelling the wedding gives the peace inside me, I will do that no matter how people will curse me. Because if I continue getting married with a doubt, society will not help you handling the painful and uproar years ahead that I have to go through. Society just judge at that right moment, but it doesn’t take any responsibility for what will happen in the future.

Thinking about what he’s going through, I feel a bit unhappy. And I’m thinking what marriage is anyway. The thought coming up to my mind, last night when I talked with him, I realize that marriage is not an event, it’s not a status, and it’s not an achievement. It’s a journey. A journey of two people facing uncertainty so called future ahead of them.

Most people has different thought about marriage, they think of it as a status or certain level of life where makes them in a higher level than those who are not married (yet). Most people think that when they get married, things will get better, and the partner will change accordingly to what they want. In fact it’s not like that. For girls sometimes they think that when they’re married, the guys belong to them and able to be controlled, and the world belong to both of them. It’s a totally wrong thought. No one can assure that a marriage will last… no one. Except the effort from both side; to fight till the last drop of tears that will make it forever. There’s no way that we can own someone once we marry him/her. We can never own someone. We can only own ourselves. We can never control anyone. We can only control ourselves. We can never manage someone else’s feeling; we even hardly manage our own feeling.

Marriage is not the way to stay safe; it’s not the way to own someone. Marriage in fact is unsafe; the bumpy road is on every corner. It’s an adventurous way of walking life for those who are ready, and it’s a way of ending life for those who are not ready (and for those who think marriage is like a Cinderella story).

While facing the uncertainty ahead, what kind of partner I want to have? I’m thinking about it. Think hard about it. I want a partner who I can trust to, who will never leave me whatever happen. Though in the middle of the way when the feeling gone, he will still stay beside me and keep on walking just because he has made his decision to commit along the journey. Though the road is up and down, difficult to walk on, he’ll still walk beside me. It’s the respect, the trust, the mature love that I expect to get from my life partner. I wish for someone who is available emotionally and physically for me.

Once someone has ever said to me, that when we choose the wrong partner, we bring hell into life, on the other side if we choose the right partner, we will have heaven on earth.

Back to the marriage thought again, until today I still believe that marriage is actually an agreement between two people to walk together through the uncertainty of life, in good times and bad times. The commitment between two people to always be together and God is the witness of the promise made.

And a wedding is just a ceremony to celebrate with close people. A marriage is not a wedding. A marriage is a journey to the uncertainty of life.

If I ever get married, I wish that at the same time I’m still able to follow my purpose of life, my dreams that I want to fulfill before my days ended. So when the time I die, I will not regret that I haven’t got a chance to fulfill my dreams, my purpose to live. Also I want my partner to be able to reach his dreams and purpose of life; therefore I will be so glad if I can be there beside him and encouraging him to reach the most important thing for him before he dies.

So in conclusion, I wish for someone emotionally available for me, committed, trustable, and independently having his own happiness without being emotionally too dependant. Dependant on the right portion, equally both sides.

I will not marry because of love only. I promise myself that when I decide to get married, beside the feeling, I should be step my feet on the ground, consciously aware that I’m taking a risk to hurt myself, to hurt my partner, and to forgive, to keep on walking though I don’t feel like I want to walk. And I promise myself too that I will only spend my life with the one who can share the good side of life together too. Both sides, the good one and the bumpy road.

And yes… I want to commit myself in a form of marriage… but before doing that, I should choose wisely who will be the right partner, though not perfect but right to walk together side by side :).

Posted: November 10th, 2008 under Thoughts.
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As you were sleeping
The voice of the waves keeps on singing
Like a song that I always long to hear
The sound of the birds and the chipmunks playing on the trees
Made all of it as a great orchestra
It felt like a heaven to my soul

While I watched you sleeping
I wish I can touch your heart
I wish I can heal your pain
I wish I can give you the comfort you need
I wish I can fill your soul with peace and happiness

I pray to God…
To help you in every step you walk
In every corner you have to face
In every intersection you have to turn
To teach you to be able to differentiate the truth

I pray so God touch your life
Heal all the wounded parts
Giving you more wisdom to live
Blessing you with understanding and love
Teaching you the right way to life

Those are the parts that is not my part
Where I can only have faith
That you will be guided to walk in life
Coached to walk the way you should walk
And the only thing I can do is only showing the love
While you’re facing the journey of life
Until you get the meaning of your life

There are words I cannot said
But you will hear it from God
There are things I cannot do
But you will see it from God
There are things to happen
Where you can learn what a true love is all about

One day in the future
You and I will remember
The days we spent together
The chance given to love each other

Hope on the day we remember
We’re on the right track of the journey
Able to cherish the love given
Give thanks for the guidance along the journey

Posted: September 30th, 2008 under Poem.
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These days, I often think about ‘the last supper’. It’s a story in the bible where Jesus had His last supper with all the disciples. It was the last moment before He was captured. It was His last time to be with those He loves, and He served them and taught them what to do in life. The last supper is a precious moment, which should be spent only with those we appreciate as the precious in our life, honoured to be with us for our last supper. As the supper itself, must be something precious in our life.

Back a few months ago… my grandfather had his last supper in the hospital. The last supper he had was his favorite porridge, and he passed away the next morning. It was his last food. And it was his daughter who feed him for his last supper… what a precious moment…

Now I’m thinking… what will be my last supper before I pass this life to another zone. And it’s not only about my last supper… but what have I done before I really pass through the other zone. I’m wondering whether I have spent times wisely or unwisely so far. Well, I know I have spent some good times… but I also know that I have been wasting my times for something. In fact I have been wasting my past few months for something that’s not worth for my life.

As life is like a long road, where we can see many things at the both side of the road… I have been stopping from my journey, for something that tempted me. However I know that thing doesnt give me any good, and it’s just stopping me from moving forward while I need to reach my final goal before I will have my last supper. It’s difficult for me to stand up, start walking to the door, and leave it as it is… now and never turn back the head.

I’m afraid… that when I have my last supper… it’s not the supper that I deserve to have… and not with the person that deserve me… If that’s the case… I have been totally wasting my life.

On my last supper… I should have the best food I really love… and I should enjoy it with the one who loves me dearly… well that’s it… no more illusion… I’m moving… I’m forcing my feet to move along… move… move… never be afraid to lose anything… because I do believe that after my last supper, I will get something precious ever… than anything in this current zone.

Good by past time, good bye present time… I’m moving along, approaching my last supper… to have something precious, and be with someone precious… and not with the illusion.

Posted: September 18th, 2008 under Thoughts.
Comments: 1

Have you ever been in a situation, that you know you should make a decision, and live with it? You know what decision should be made, and what you should do, but still you cannot do it, because you don’t feel like you’re ready to let go certain conditions and things as the consequences of the decision?For the last few weeks, I’ve been struggling with my indecisive manner. It trapped me emotionally for things that I know logically I have to let go, and by heart I feel heavy to let it go. Well, there’s no toll road between the brain to the heart. Though it might only less than 30cm away (from your head to your heart), I feel it as a very long distance.

I’ve been thinking lately, what made me unable to make the decision that logically I already have all the answer in mind. The only answer that I can find is only ‘the uncontrollable emotion’. I let my emotion rule over my head… I let my emotion to control everything I do, and I also find that once I follow what my emotion wants to do, I always feel worst than the moment before. Every action following the emotion will drag me one step lower.

To fight my mind to win over my emotion, feels like an effort to pull an elephant from its own position. The more I drag the elephant with my own strength, the more desperate I will be… since it will not move at all. Only with a smart move, whispering something to the elephant… instead of pulling or pushing it away.

These days, I keep on whispering to my emotion… to move… move forward… walk… walk ahead… don’t look back, instead see up there…. There’s a better thing waiting… instead of something seems like a precious thing, but it’s unreal.

When the emotion trapped with the illusion, it’s only God that can help me out of the dark, since the illusion makes me blind. The illusion and the emotion, they can be a very good friend, a deception to a life, guide me to the darkest and lowest part of the life, where hurts, jealousy, anger, and all the negative feeling stay.

Dear Lord,
I need Your help
To move the mountain in my heart
To swipe the illusion away
To wake the emotion again
To listen to the Words spoken
So that my heart can be healed
No matter how damage it is now…
Please move it away…
Cos I know, this mountain hurts the heart a lot
And it hinders a better tomorrow to come
It’s only a decision away…
Blow it away… from now on till ever after…
Puff… gone… and never come back to my life
Thank you Lord
Amen.

Posted: August 10th, 2008 under Thoughts.
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Finally… with a lot of wishes and food ;-), we end up taking pictures in her new apartment.

Posted: August 1st, 2008 under Uncategorized.
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It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness gets us bothI tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I’m letting go
It may not last but I don’t know
Just don’t know

If you don’t know
Then you can’t care
And I show up
But you’re not there
But I’m waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A babe that’s warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won’t fall down while I’m asleep

If you don’t know
Then you can’t care
And I show up
But you’re not there
But I’m waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

But we have not hit the ground
Doesn’t mean we’re not still falling, oh..
I want so bad to pick you up
But you’re still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Posted: July 21st, 2008 under Song and Lyrics.
Comments: 2

Have you wondered how it feels when it’s all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you’re going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

*I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little, try a little more
I’ll breathe again*

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It’s a brand new start
That might just worth my way
No need to walk away
Don’t want to live my life replayed

Repeat *
Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

Repeat *

Posted: July 16th, 2008 under Song and Lyrics.
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I copy the word ‘Brosie’ from a friend… and it becomes a joke between us. He’s a friend, which I often call as a brother… and on the other hand, sometimes when I talk to him, I feel that he really understand the girls’ point of view… which usually I do with the girl friends… so Brosie means… a brother which is also can act like a sister :D

To find out who’s my Brosie… just click on www.gakpenting.com then you will find him and with all the funny things he writes there :), additionally you can also click on www.4th-monkey.com/kevaz to find him :)

To all the girls who read this page, he’s a real guy - straight (i guess :p) … but he can understands girls’ point of view… so if you’re interested with him… just go for it… he loves beautiful girls…

Posted: July 16th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
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The mind game… is it the same with an illusion? Previously I have written about illusion. Today I had a lunch with my childhood best friend. We were discussing about her marriage plan (in September this year). My question to her was what made her decide to marry this guy after all.

She told me, that previously she has a relationship with other type of guy which is different with this one she’s going to marry. The previous guy was so attractive, and she really liked him, however she knew that he didn’t treat her right… or maybe in the proper way. And for years though she knew it, she kept on trying to survive the relationship with him… and yes consciously she was aware that the guy is a player, cannot be trusted, a coward in a certain way… such as he was a player, but he also want people think of him as a very good guy… so he’s trying to manage his reputation, and at the same time hurting my friend. … well it’s such quite a long story… but by the end my friend has the courage to leave him, and move on with her life.

After that she met another guy, who is very kind, and fights for her. She just realized that there’s another type of guy, which is trustable, concern with her feeling, and she can feel secure and be who she is. So she told me, that consciously she made her decision to marry him because she realize that this guy can be a real life partner in marriage till the ever after.

She told me, that when she was with the previous guy, she knew exactly what she has to do, but she felt trapped with the mind game. Like… she thought of him like the love of her life, someone that can make her Cinderella dream come true… after all she realized that it was only an illusion… it’s just like a game… so we continue discussion about the mind game.

Sometimes we’re so trapped with things or people we see physically… we want to have it… desperately we want to have it, and we become obsessed and idiot at the same time. We allowed ourselves to be trapped, disrespected, humiliated, and insulted in a way. And we both agree that it’s actually only a game in our mind that traps us to the situation. Once we’re in the situation like that, it’s difficult to break the bondage.

The only way to win the situation, and have a happy life, is to have control in our mind… to have control over our illusion… to be able to admit to ourselves that if something or someone is not good for us… then we have to accept it ourselves, break the bondage and move on.

Now she’s telling me, that marriage is not like what she’s thinking about… it’s not like her Cinderella dream, but she is excited about the marriage, though at the same time she feels that she has done a right decision, and she’s not under an influence of an illusion when she made it.

The mind game is a very dangerous thing. We often made a mistake or even become indecisive about a situation, because of the mind game… the illusion over our brain and feeling. The illusion sometimes took us to waste our times for nothing, and we end up regretting on how long we have waste it. But regret will not turn back the time.
It opens up my mind, that the mind game… or the illusion is the thing that I have to fight all the time. Learn to control the mind, and make a decision after a thought instead of a desire.

Maybe this is what the bible said, about the fight between the flesh of desire and the spirit. This is the fight we have to deal every day in every aspect of our lives.

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. - Galatians 5: 16 - 18.

Posted: July 15th, 2008 under Sharing.
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