Lately I’ve noticed that we tend to live like a blind people. We are unable to see what’s beyond our future, just because the existence of the things right in front of our eyes. It could be anything – anything that halts us to see far beyond in the future. We tend to make decision by what is seen – trying to decide which of the best from the worst choices – since we’re too often doesn’t know what our real heart desire – too afraid to wait for the best to come, and with the reason of being realistic, we choose from the worst, and often we choose the worst from the bad choices. Too often we follow our flesh desires, which entrap us to the prison of the future.

What we decided in the past, create our present. And what we decide in this present time, will define how our future would be. Many of us trapped in the prison that we create in the past, and the prison seems like a ‘comfort zone’ in a way… it’s not really comfort in a real way, but it stop us to think beyond what we can see, because of the fears tricked us to be ‘realistic’. I imagine it like… we’re in the prison, however the door is unlock, but we believe we are in prison, our own mind and thoughts stop us to open the prison door and walk out… instead we stay inside while complaining and suffering at the same time… reasoning to ourselves and our surrounding… feel bitter about life, and again and again making the worst choices in life… while the prison door is actually unlock…

Only if we have the courage to open the prison door and walk out… we might not know what’s there outside the prison bar… some people are too afraid to face what’s outside the bars… so they stay inside with the seen  choices.

I feel that life is too precious to be spent inside my own prison. Somehow I feel what I have now starts to put me in the prison… if I try to break the door, I might hurt some people… the people, the material things, the situations I have now… somehow stop me from seeing beyond to the future, and stop me for being who I have to be.

It reminds me the story about the eagle that was mothered by a chicken. For so long in its life, the eagle believed that it’s a chicken, so that it acted like a chicken… and never believe that it’s actually an eagle. Only when the very hard pressure comes, the eagle pressured to act like one. This eagle blinded by the chicken in front of it. It is blinded by the environment and the seen “chicken choices” around it. It never knows that it has more choices beyond of what it knows from the chicken.

I know it’s hard to learn to believe that we’re the eagle, and not the chicken… sometimes it’s because of the fear… because we don’t know what will happen if we try to believe that we’re an eagle and start to do life like an eagle does… the fear of the unknown things ahead becomes the obstacle.

However it’s relieving to be able to see the people who have the faith beyond what the eyes can see… and it really breaks my heart to see the people I love repeatedly making the worst choices while I can see they have much better choices than what they can see. But I realize… everyone has to make their own decision… I just pray… those I love will one day open their eyes and can see beyond the obstacles that they have right now… and make a better choice :).

Posted: February 18th, 2010 under Thoughts.
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I received an email about this topic about a week or so ago, from the lady that I admire and respect :) - Swati Lee (we met at the counseling class last year, and have interesting discussions sometimes, and she’s one of the person who believes in me for the things I want to do).

Having the heart to help others in trouble – any kind of problems – we learn from the classes we attend and the books we read, that in a way the past must have an influence to the present time and the future time. But how should we relate the past to the present time and how should we position it to the present time? Should we always dig out someone’s past before we can help their present problems and help them to move to the future? Or is it still possible that when we deal with the present problem… we deal it that way, without have to dig out the past experience?

Regardless of the psychology theories provided by many great people – for example like Freud, it’s a bit difficult for me to give an opinion from their point of view, simply that I don’t have enough information about the approaches suggested by them, since my background is not psychology – I don’t have enough knowledge to explain whose point of view is more proper than the other. However I assume myself as the practitioner in life (everyone is a practitioner in fact)… it means as a human live in this world… I learn about people and problems and how to help others from experiences we face every day. Using the knowledge that I learn from live itself – experiences :).

The past really influence the present and the future. We are as who we are now is because of what we have experienced in the past. The past itself doesn’t stand alone to influence our present and future, there are a few other things, such as our beliefs, knowledge, mind set, etc. – which off course also influenced by our past in a way. We should consider the past as a stepping stone, not as reason to blame on what happen in our present time.

Therefore in any counseling session, or for the common people like me – I prefer to consider it as a sharing moments – to ‘listen’ about the matter of the current problem is very important, listening is not only hearing the words they say, but at the same time try to understand the feeling they have. Many times it helps me to understand the person very well, somehow it leads me to understand they way the person think or feel, and from that point then using the instinct (yes… female use this built in function within us :p) to decide whether I should ask about the past, or should I focus on the problem. And our experiences in live also helps us when we have sharing moments with other people. So, practically in any sharing moments I don’t use any specific method that I have read or learnt. It’s more to the willingness of my heart to listen to my friend. And sometimes I found out, that some people don’t really need any solution from us, they just need a friend to talk, someone who would lend the ears to hear what they feel and think.

About the traumatic experience in the past, I believe it has to be treated well, but I do really believe that certain therapy approach is not an assurance that someone can let go the past easily. I quote this from the book by Larry Crabb – Understanding People, chapter 4 – “In the minds of many, there is a difference between counseling and psychotherapy. Counseling, some would say, deals exclusively with here-and-now concerns, attempting to help people cope with their lives more effectively by offering warm support and wise advice. Interpersonal skills like empathy, genuineness, and the ability to clarify, coupled with sensitivity and common sense, are the necessary tools. Psychotherapy is very different, many say. It probes beneath present concerns (such as indecision regarding vocational choice) to expose an unconscious network of defenses, anxiety, and unacceptable or painful feelings which together generate the visible problem. Therapy deals with deeper issues than counseling because it looks beneath current complaints to the internal dynamics that really constitute the disorder needing correction. It is said that the therapy deals with internal dynamics, and counseling does not. And Freud is rightly credited with introducing the whole idea of psychodynamics to the modern mind. The term refers to the psychological forces within the personality (usually unconscious) that have the power to cause behavioral and emotional disturbance… “

In the case of the past that brings the traumatic experience, I believe the therapy might have to be done depends on the level of the trauma, but there’s one thing that I have been thinking about for the last few months… there’s something more than just therapy and counseling session or sharing between friends. That’s why I read this book :), there’s a missing point from all the things we do to help others. And lately I find it… that it’s actually the ability to relate. To relate doesn’t mean just we know and try to pay attention, but genuinely relate from one soul to another soul (I learn this from other Larry’s book – Soultalk). And to relate we need to pay effort not to analyze others by our mind understanding (which sometimes lead us to judgement), but more to the act of love. The love that Jesus taught us :), the love that He gives to us. So that I believe that therapy and counseling still incomplete to help others, but the additional essence of the right love from the right heart will help the person that we help to let go the past and change the mindset for the future sake. Agape. That’s the type of love that we need to have to help others. And I do believe this type of love can be learnt and read through the bible. And we have to experience this type of love first before we can share it with the people around us. Some people arguing whether bible can be considered as the source for biblical counseling or not, and here I just want to say that I believe bible is one of the source we need to read and learn in helping others :), and it’s not limited to the counseling session only.

So, yes the past really influence the present and the future time. However it’s unnecessary to always dig out the past of everyone in each of the session. It depends on the occasion. Normally if I find certain pattern in belief or way of thinking, then I will try to ask a little bit about the past – combine it with the discernment from God to lead what to say or ask :). Therapy, counseling, the proper love with the right heart and the discernment from God - I believe would be a great combination to help many people.

And the future… the past is not really influencing the future compare to the present time, the past has the link to the future because of the present time. And in this present time, we can see and learn what was wrong in the past, and I believe that the present time has more influence for the future. The way we decide how we want to do our present time is designing our future. I can talk nonstop about this, but I better stop first now, I will try to think more… maybe there are a lot of missing point also in my belief about this :).

Posted: January 31st, 2010 under Thoughts.
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Recently I keep on thinking about this topic. When I claim that I know something or have knowledge about something, it doesn’t mean that I understand it in the proper way. But most of the times – because of the habit :p – when I think I have the knowledge of something, then I assume that I know everything about it, and there’s where the pride sneak in unconsciously and I start to have personal opinion (judgment?) about certain thing/situation/condition.

But then I think… for example, I know there’s an animal called elephant – my knowledge about the elephant is that it is a big creature with 4 legs, 1 big trunk as a nose and slim tiny tail compared to the size of the body. à but I don’t understand why elephant shaped that way, and what is the other use of the long trunk beside for breathing and taking food, and why the tail is so slim compared to the size of the body?

Another example… I have the knowledge about salmon from the materials I read – salmon swims in a group (school of fish – that’s what they said) – and they swim against the tide. BUT I don’t understand why they swim against the tide? Does this type of fish like challenges? Or do they simply just following their behavior that has been taught by the elder salmon without knowing that it is easier to swim following the tide? Or do they crazy? – I simply don’t understand this.

I might have the knowledge – but it doesn’t mean I have enough understanding why certain thing happens, or certain people think certain way or even do certain things that are out of the value believed by most people in the society.

I’m working in the IT field, and sometimes I’m struck by people’s questions about the product I’m selling. I know how to answer explicitly about certain functionality, but then I realize there are a lot of times when I don’t understand why the functions created or developed in certain ways. I could have the knowledge I know to tell people about what it is all about, but I also face my own struggles sometimes to understand the reason behind why certain function designed in a certain way, and not in another way around.

The knowledge cannot be used as a guarantee that I understand certain things/situation. But the knowledge is only the beginning for me to learn to understand about certain things/situation.

This morning I woke up with a thought. This is applied in every area of my life. I live surrounded by other people. I might have knowledge about something – or certain situation – or about someone else – but I might not be able to understand fully why someone do something…

I have the knowledge that eating junk food is not good – because of many reasons shared by many people – but I don’t understand why many people still eating junk food even though they know that it’s not good for their health, and I find that me myself eating junk food also sometimes. The knowledge and the things we do sometimes on the opposite side :).

I end up with a conclusion that I shouldn’t have the habit to judge other people of what they are doing, because I might not understand the reason of so many things, why they do what they do. Moreover it is very possible that the knowledge that I know is not the most updated knowledge somehow ;).

And at one point, I even realize … sometimes I don’t understand myself about why I’m doing a certain things that is opposite of the knowledge that I know and believe :p.

This morning my reading is about Matthew – the tax collector who then become a disciple. When I read the story… I feel that Jesus is a very eccentric person… He passed near Matthew the tax collector, and out of the blue He offered him to be a disciple. My human mind and understanding cannot digest it clearly. From all the people around there by that time… why it should be the tax collector? And among the tax collector…why it was Matthew? There must be something that my human mind cannot understand for sure.

And I don’t understand also why Matthew accepted the offer right away, why he then agreed to become a disciple and left the job as the tax collector?

It shows that I simply don’t have enough understanding about life and everything about it… I might learn to gain the knowledge, but knowledge cannot be an assurance that I would have enough understanding for life.

Everyone has their own battle, everyone decide their own life story… sometimes we might want to help those we love so much to be out of the difficulties in their life, but sometimes there’s a boundary that everyone’s life is their own responsibility… what we can do for those we love… is to be there at anytime they need us when life seems get tough for them, and accept them as who they are… because we’re all the same… we’re human and we make mistake from day to day :).

Posted: January 20th, 2010 under Thoughts.
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“Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see what we believe.” - St.  Augustine

What is faith?

I wonder whether faith is another type of illusion. Is it or isn’t it?

I learn from the resources I read that faith is actually the attitude of believing something is real – true – trusted – even though it’s not happening yet, or we cannot see yet that it’s going to happen.

And I learn from my daily life, that living in faith is sometimes a bit ambiguous – there’s a temptation in the mind whether it’s a real faith, or am I trying to deny the truth and live in an illusion? :)

For sometimes I have decided that I want to learn to live by faith… the faith that the God I trust will never leave me alone… no matter how ridiculous I’ve been. However several times in a day – everyday, I have to make a decision whether I should believe in faith or I should choose to believe with what I can see in reality. I learn that to live by faith is challenging.

The common thing that I learn to believe is about life partner… that God already has someone who will match me… even though I cannot see him yet… I don’t know who he is, and I might have not meet him yet, but I believe he’s there – somewhere around the corner, as what one of my friend has ever told me (to be honest I wonder in which corner is he now? :p). Some people will say that I live in an illusion with this faith :p, but I’m glad that certain friends that I’m close with believe it like a faith. It’s funny that this faith strengthens me not to accept less than what I have believed I will get. And the faith from my friends for me… in a way strengthens my own faith. I start to see the faith is like a chain reaction in chemistry :p.

The more people share the same faith in one thing, the stronger the belief that it is true and happening. I consider faith is a like substance inside the human soul that can grow. Like a human cell, it can grow stronger, and on the other side it can become weak too. If we nourish the faith it will get stronger, but if we neglect the faith it will become weaker and sooner or later we cannot find it in us anymore.

To believe in something that we cannot see… is a real challenge for a human. We tend to believe what we can see or predict, and we have difficulties to trust what we cannot see with our human eyes or what we cannot understand by our human brain.

Somehow I believe that faith is the weapon to fight the illusion of impossibility. The belief of the impossibility is caused by the understanding that things is limited –it is limited by the lack of understanding, limited by the value believed (obviously we have to choose what kind of value we want to believe) and limited by the ability of human mindset to think.

I have faith that I will write more about faith from now on ;).

Posted: January 16th, 2010 under Thoughts.
Comments: none

After one whole year I stop publishing my writing in this blog, I’m ready to write again now. The end of 2008 closed by a dream journey – the first trip to Europe with the first time to see and touch the real snow ;). The end of 2009 was closed by doing a reading marathon of several books – just to fulfill my curiosity ;).

The journey of 2009 itself full of a mind struggles to wake up from the illusion that insists to be trusted as a reality. Fighting against the illusion take all of the energy since it hassles the sanity of the mind.

So now I’m back with observing the illusions around me :). I still believe that most people live their lives inside collections of several illusions that is initiated by someone or something at the beginning, and trusted as the normal way of living. The dreams dreamt, the values adopted, the behaviors, the beliefs system, and so on… one way of another influenced by certain types of illusion.

Fighting the illusion is very tiring and uncomfortable. Dare to be different from the beliefs of your surroundings take a lot of efforts and sacrifice in life – I imagine it like the school of salmon which swim against the tide. Sometimes as human, we have to swim against the tide alone – which is more tiring compared if we can swim against the tide together with others, it will take less effort than doing it alone.

What are the real values that we have to adopt in life? And what are the illusions that have been accepted as values that most people have adopt in life?

The questions cause a lot of arguments – and even fights among groups of people ?. And of course that’s the root cause of the war and fights all over the world.

Life is simple isn’t it?

Only the inability to appreciate the differences that create the complicated life – where people don’t enjoy their life journey anymore – and live is just like a war against the different illusions.

Posted: January 15th, 2010 under Uncategorized.
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As you were sleeping
The voice of the waves keeps on singing
Like a song that I always long to hear
The sound of the birds and the chipmunks playing on the trees
Made all of it as a great orchestra
It felt like a heaven to my soul

While I watched you sleeping
I wish I can touch your heart
I wish I can heal your pain
I wish I can give you the comfort you need
I wish I can fill your soul with peace and happiness

I pray to God…
To help you in every step you walk
In every corner you have to face
In every intersection you have to turn
To teach you to be able to differentiate the truth

I pray so God touch your life
Heal all the wounded parts
Giving you more wisdom to live
Blessing you with understanding and love
Teaching you the right way to life

Those are the parts that is not my part
Where I can only have faith
That you will be guided to walk in life
Coached to walk the way you should walk
And the only thing I can do is only showing the love
While you’re facing the journey of life
Until you get the meaning of your life

There are words I cannot said
But you will hear it from God
There are things I cannot do
But you will see it from God
There are things to happen
Where you can learn what a true love is all about

One day in the future
You and I will remember
The days we spent together
The chance given to love each other

Hope on the day we remember
We’re on the right track of the journey
Able to cherish the love given
Give thanks for the guidance along the journey

Posted: September 30th, 2008 under Poem.
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These days, I often think about ‘the last supper’. It’s a story in the bible where Jesus had His last supper with all the disciples. It was the last moment before He was captured. It was His last time to be with those He loves, and He served them and taught them what to do in life. The last supper is a precious moment, which should be spent only with those we appreciate as the precious in our life, honoured to be with us for our last supper. As the supper itself, must be something precious in our life.

Back a few months ago… my grandfather had his last supper in the hospital. The last supper he had was his favorite porridge, and he passed away the next morning. It was his last food. And it was his daughter who feed him for his last supper… what a precious moment…

Now I’m thinking… what will be my last supper before I pass this life to another zone. And it’s not only about my last supper… but what have I done before I really pass through the other zone. I’m wondering whether I have spent times wisely or unwisely so far. Well, I know I have spent some good times… but I also know that I have been wasting my times for something. In fact I have been wasting my past few months for something that’s not worth for my life.

As life is like a long road, where we can see many things at the both side of the road… I have been stopping from my journey, for something that tempted me. However I know that thing doesnt give me any good, and it’s just stopping me from moving forward while I need to reach my final goal before I will have my last supper. It’s difficult for me to stand up, start walking to the door, and leave it as it is… now and never turn back the head.

I’m afraid… that when I have my last supper… it’s not the supper that I deserve to have… and not with the person that deserve me… If that’s the case… I have been totally wasting my life.

On my last supper… I should have the best food I really love… and I should enjoy it with the one who loves me dearly… well that’s it… no more illusion… I’m moving… I’m forcing my feet to move along… move… move… never be afraid to lose anything… because I do believe that after my last supper, I will get something precious ever… than anything in this current zone.

Good by past time, good bye present time… I’m moving along, approaching my last supper… to have something precious, and be with someone precious… and not with the illusion.

Posted: September 18th, 2008 under Thoughts.
Comments: 1

Have you ever been in a situation, that you know you should make a decision, and live with it? You know what decision should be made, and what you should do, but still you cannot do it, because you don’t feel like you’re ready to let go certain conditions and things as the consequences of the decision?For the last few weeks, I’ve been struggling with my indecisive manner. It trapped me emotionally for things that I know logically I have to let go, and by heart I feel heavy to let it go. Well, there’s no toll road between the brain to the heart. Though it might only less than 30cm away (from your head to your heart), I feel it as a very long distance.

I’ve been thinking lately, what made me unable to make the decision that logically I already have all the answer in mind. The only answer that I can find is only ‘the uncontrollable emotion’. I let my emotion rule over my head… I let my emotion to control everything I do, and I also find that once I follow what my emotion wants to do, I always feel worst than the moment before. Every action following the emotion will drag me one step lower.

To fight my mind to win over my emotion, feels like an effort to pull an elephant from its own position. The more I drag the elephant with my own strength, the more desperate I will be… since it will not move at all. Only with a smart move, whispering something to the elephant… instead of pulling or pushing it away.

These days, I keep on whispering to my emotion… to move… move forward… walk… walk ahead… don’t look back, instead see up there…. There’s a better thing waiting… instead of something seems like a precious thing, but it’s unreal.

When the emotion trapped with the illusion, it’s only God that can help me out of the dark, since the illusion makes me blind. The illusion and the emotion, they can be a very good friend, a deception to a life, guide me to the darkest and lowest part of the life, where hurts, jealousy, anger, and all the negative feeling stay.

Dear Lord,
I need Your help
To move the mountain in my heart
To swipe the illusion away
To wake the emotion again
To listen to the Words spoken
So that my heart can be healed
No matter how damage it is now…
Please move it away…
Cos I know, this mountain hurts the heart a lot
And it hinders a better tomorrow to come
It’s only a decision away…
Blow it away… from now on till ever after…
Puff… gone… and never come back to my life
Thank you Lord
Amen.

Posted: August 10th, 2008 under Thoughts.
Comments: none

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness gets us bothI tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I’m letting go
It may not last but I don’t know
Just don’t know

If you don’t know
Then you can’t care
And I show up
But you’re not there
But I’m waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A babe that’s warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving all he makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
Never let it fall apart
Strangely I wish secretly
It won’t fall down while I’m asleep

If you don’t know
Then you can’t care
And I show up
But you’re not there
But I’m waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

But we have not hit the ground
Doesn’t mean we’re not still falling, oh..
I want so bad to pick you up
But you’re still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every word whispered we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing last forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Posted: July 21st, 2008 under Song and Lyrics.
Comments: 2

Have you wondered how it feels when it’s all over
Wondered how it feels when you just have to start anew
Never knowing where you’re going
When you face a brand new day
It used to be that way
Now I just close my eyes and say

*I just want to breathe again
Learn to face the joy and pain
Discover how to laugh a little , cry a little
Live a little more
I just wanna face the day
Forget about the woes of yesterday
Maybe if I hope a little, try a little more
I’ll breathe again*

Starting out again is never easy
Disappointments come and go but life still moves on
With a bit of luck It’s a brand new start
That might just worth my way
No need to walk away
Don’t want to live my life replayed

Repeat *
Things will work out fine
If you can find the courage to look past the night
To see the break of dawn

Repeat *

Posted: July 16th, 2008 under Song and Lyrics.
Comments: none