The mind game… is it the same with an illusion? Previously I have written about illusion. Today I had a lunch with my childhood best friend. We were discussing about her marriage plan (in September this year). My question to her was what made her decide to marry this guy after all.

She told me, that previously she has a relationship with other type of guy which is different with this one she’s going to marry. The previous guy was so attractive, and she really liked him, however she knew that he didn’t treat her right… or maybe in the proper way. And for years though she knew it, she kept on trying to survive the relationship with him… and yes consciously she was aware that the guy is a player, cannot be trusted, a coward in a certain way… such as he was a player, but he also want people think of him as a very good guy… so he’s trying to manage his reputation, and at the same time hurting my friend. … well it’s such quite a long story… but by the end my friend has the courage to leave him, and move on with her life.

After that she met another guy, who is very kind, and fights for her. She just realized that there’s another type of guy, which is trustable, concern with her feeling, and she can feel secure and be who she is. So she told me, that consciously she made her decision to marry him because she realize that this guy can be a real life partner in marriage till the ever after.

She told me, that when she was with the previous guy, she knew exactly what she has to do, but she felt trapped with the mind game. Like… she thought of him like the love of her life, someone that can make her Cinderella dream come true… after all she realized that it was only an illusion… it’s just like a game… so we continue discussion about the mind game.

Sometimes we’re so trapped with things or people we see physically… we want to have it… desperately we want to have it, and we become obsessed and idiot at the same time. We allowed ourselves to be trapped, disrespected, humiliated, and insulted in a way. And we both agree that it’s actually only a game in our mind that traps us to the situation. Once we’re in the situation like that, it’s difficult to break the bondage.

The only way to win the situation, and have a happy life, is to have control in our mind… to have control over our illusion… to be able to admit to ourselves that if something or someone is not good for us… then we have to accept it ourselves, break the bondage and move on.

Now she’s telling me, that marriage is not like what she’s thinking about… it’s not like her Cinderella dream, but she is excited about the marriage, though at the same time she feels that she has done a right decision, and she’s not under an influence of an illusion when she made it.

The mind game is a very dangerous thing. We often made a mistake or even become indecisive about a situation, because of the mind game… the illusion over our brain and feeling. The illusion sometimes took us to waste our times for nothing, and we end up regretting on how long we have waste it. But regret will not turn back the time.
It opens up my mind, that the mind game… or the illusion is the thing that I have to fight all the time. Learn to control the mind, and make a decision after a thought instead of a desire.

Maybe this is what the bible said, about the fight between the flesh of desire and the spirit. This is the fight we have to deal every day in every aspect of our lives.

I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. - Galatians 5: 16 - 18.

Posted: July 15th, 2008 under Sharing.
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Today I learn something new, about choices. In our lives, we tend to stay with our ‘usual condition’ - which we usually call as a comfort zone. Moving out from the comfort zone, is a not an easy thing. Sometimes we need to move out from the comfort zone, though we are not so sure about the situation and condition, we need a faith inside us to guide us moving out to a better situation which status is still unknown/unsure.

For example, change to a better job… sometimes we’re so comfortable in our current job, though we know we don’t really like it, but at least we know how to control the situation, we tend to avoid moving out, and be in the stagnant position, and kill our best chance to grow. Another example, in a certain relationship, though we know it’s not going anywhere, but we’re afraid to let it go and find a new better chance, since we have fear inside how to adjust with a new person, or sometimes we’re just too lazy to start all over again, and choose to stay in the ‘not going anywhere’ relationship instead.

And I learn, when I choose to stay in the comfort zone, which not the perfect zone also… I have stopped the chance to have a better life …

I also learn that evaluating the current situation is important, while learning how the situation out there, which choices we have to approach is also important.

Start moving on, and making my dreams come true… is also a choice to get out from the comfort zone.

Today is one of the best day in my life… I learn something new… to leave the old me, and change to a new me. Though sometimes I don’t know what I will face in the days ahead, but with the faith inside that God is taking care, I am walking forward from everything else behind.

My best friends reminding me today… that I can reach the dreams I have in mind, that I deserve a better partner in life, that I deserve to be love and respected in the correct way, that I deserve a better chances to grow in every aspect in my life.

With all the loves sent to me, encouragement, prayers and wishes… they remind me that I’m so loved… and today I have decided, to completely moving on from the past to the future, and I’m walking my life in the present, without turning my head back to the past again. I’m walking out of my comfort zone in some certain area… heading to the unknown surprises ahead… which I know some will be a great surprises from my Father in heaven… I’m taking the risk :)

Last night I wish that I will be able to move my feet forward… and keep on walking with my faith in God… I know I will walk in joy and blessing… and able to vision what God intend me to see and do…

Thank you Lord
For the years you have given me
For all the blessings
For all the angels in forms of my friends
For all the love you gave to me
For all the comforts when I’m in need

I receive a lot of prayers in form of wishes…
From those who love me the most
They are one of the best present in my life
Thank you for sending them to me today
Thank you for loving me

Thank you for teaching me to move my feet out of the comfort zone

Amen.

Posted: June 1st, 2008 under Thoughts.
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The process of letting go is not an easy thing to do… and I never find it simple. There’s always a struggle inside, where the heart and the mind will stay in each opposite side. The last couple months, I deal with ‘letting go’… the last one when I have to let go my grandfather. At the age of 86, he passed away peacefully after a week of physical struggle in a hospital. I grew up with him and my grandmother, so it’s quite a big loss for me. The day when he passed away, I remember the last time I saw him standing, walking, eating and smiling, as well as the struggles and the complains he made when he was hospitalized the whole week.

As far as I can remember, there was one afternoon… in the front living room, late afternoon, I was about 3-4 years old, sitting on his lap, and he was singing for me… “gelang si patu gelang, gelang si rama-rama, mari pulang, marilah pulang, marilah pulang, bersama-sama”, it felt just like yesterday. Another memory came to my mind, when he took me walking in the morning with him (still at the age around 3-4 years), following the Sukajadi road (in my hometown). On those days, there were big trees on the road, less cars, and the air was fresh. From home to Setiabudi, we walked, and he let me pick up the purple and red little fruits from the tree.

Logically, my mind understands… that this is a natural thing that will happen to a human. It’s about time for him to go to heaven, though my heart still cannot accept it. But I know… I have to let him go… and pray that God will always be with him.

Sometimes we should let go people who has been in our lives, not only because of the person passed away, but because we know the person should go… for a reason that we might not understand, and only God knows the reason why. Losing a person that we love is always painful. Though I learn, trusting and obeying the God is the best way when we learn to let go.

At other times, we are the one who should go from other people’s life… either the time from God is up to live in the world, or we know that we should move on from one situation to another new one, and leaving the person that we love the most. Sometimes I just wonder, which one is better… being left by the person we love, or we have to leave the person we love… and I guess both are unpleasant, but for the good sake of each other’s life… letting go is a thing to do. Letting go is a process in life that every human has to go through at every stage of their life.

Letting go the person we love, always draw a deep scar inside a heart. And I know the scar will never go, it will always be there as marks that love for someone was there while someone is alive.

Goodbye…

Posted: May 9th, 2008 under Sharing.
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This is a comment given by my best friend :)

My take … we always go out to water our gardens …

Then you can eat the fruit…. DAILY

Andrian

Posted: April 18th, 2008 under Sharing.
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I woke up at 5am this morning with a thought about a tree.
A tree??? Yes… A tree.
Weird? Yes, I felt weird this morning.The question was on my mind, how to turn a seed into a beautiful, strong and fruitful tree?

Half asleep… I thought slowly, for example an apple tree… I should plant the seed in the right soil, nurture it - make sure it gets enough water, sunshine and the right care… And it needs a process and time to grow… Eventually it will grow bigger, with strong roots, shady, and fruitful. It will survive in any season and weather, even the stormy one, it can cover the human to rest under the tree - from the heat or rain, and it gives fruits for eat.

And if I don’t put it on the right soil, it might not grow, or grow in suffer, not strong enough to stand the stormy weather.

If I don’t give it enough water, and take care of it in the right way (treating it as an apple tree, instead of cactus), the it might not grow, or grow in suffer, not strong enough to stand the stormy weather.

What about if I take care of it, nurture it in the beginning, and neglect/ignore it after I see it growing? It might be dying and die eventually, and will not be able to survive for the next season.

As simple as that… That’s the lesson that I learn from a nature. That thought brought me to think about my life and whether I have nurture the seeds (love, dreams, work, etc.) In my life.

Same with our lives, if we don’t nurture it with the right way, we will never reach our dreams and get what we wants.

When I want to reach my dream, I should take care of it with the right way (might be different way for each dreams), nurture it… With patience, walk in time and let the dream become bigger and true in my life, or else it will die and will only be a dream, and never come true.

When I put a seed of love, I should take care of it, nurture it - with the right way (maybe through a communication, understanding, listening, respect, cares, trust, etc.) - effort to grow it, and as the time goes by, it will prove and show a true love… Or else it will die, and forgotten by the end.

Posted: April 18th, 2008 under Sharing.
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Recently I learn about ‘How to choose the right partner’, from CD series, by Rev. Kong Hee. 12 CDs, with 6 topics. Interesting, yet realistic, and also difficult to do… He was talking about the purpose of partnership (in terms of a man and a woman relationship which involve romance), 8 types of relationships that will not work, 8 fatal mistakes in the relationship, 5 time bombs in compatibility, 7 qualities to find in a partner, and the last one is about compatibility and commitment.I was reminded, that I have a choice… my own choice to choose my own partner… as well as the other person… they have their own choice… it’s all a matter of choice… the choice that will lead you to the commitment of a life time.

When you choose the right partner, then it will be a “heaven on earth”
When you choose the wrong partner, then it will be a “living hell”

Rev. Kong Hee also taught that… marriage or living together… need a certain depth of emotional attach, understanding, communication, availability to each other and some other efforts to do. While trust and respect is the main thing to be there together with love (just exactly like what I have thought for long time - trust and respect)

We are supposed to make intelligence love choice, that we need to be wise, and learn to make the right choice. There’s no a perfect choice… but there is a right choice.

After hearing the teaching, I’m thinking where I am now, and what I’m doing with this ‘looking for the right partner’ process.

The last couple weeks… I learn a new thing… that to make a right choice… it takes time, and it will takes a good consideration, and I shouldn’t be in a rush to choose. I”m slowing down myself as a result… giving a chance to myself to understand further about the whole situation… before I make my important decision to choose what to do…

To know that someone that I love really care about me… it’s a big relieve… and it gives me hopes… and I learn to trust him… that with his own way, he will try to choose fairly for himself… and for the one that he really loves… and that each of us will go towards the ‘heaven of earth’… either together or with different partner for each of us…

To love is a blessing
Though today I should love from a far
But I know that this is not an illusion
It’s a reality, since I can feel the pain
When tears coming out of my heart
Yet I can feel peaceful
To know that he cares
To know that he will be there for me
To know that he will always keeps his eyes on me
May God help each of us
To make each of our decision… on the right time… for the right choices…
So we will reach the ‘heaven on earth’ by the end
Thanks for letting me know that you care

Posted: April 11th, 2008 under Thoughts.
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Do you know how it feels to be free? :)

It feels like you can breath the air as much as you want, and smile as wide as you can… dancing around like the bird flying to the sky… being in the highest state of mind… perhaps it feels a little bit like being drunk hehehe… but no headache and throwing up at the end.

It’s been a while since I feel so free :). Being free makes me feel so positive, and sleep well at night, wake up early and fresh in the morning, excited to do my works, and happy to meet my friends around… feel so grateful for a new day that has come.

I feel free after I’m able to break the confusion in my mind. Life is about taking a risk, and when we’re in the position of being indecisive, it feels like a trap. For a few years, I was indecisive of certain things. And now, just recently… I finally made up my mind for important things in my life. I’m taking a risk… and now I’m glad I have made my choices, though I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, but I feel free, less burden, and contented inside.

Learn to walk in faith, and believe that the God that I trust is taking me to the right place in His plan. Once I try to put on all my worries to Him, I feel so free… light step… though tomorrow is unknown. Recently I have been learning about making ‘the right decision’, obedience, and faith. It was a struggle… and once I pass it… I feel like flying to the sky, just like a student has passed her examination, and ready to go the next stage :).

When I have to learn to obey on God, and to put faith in Him, it felt so difficult to trust on something I cannot see and I cannot hear. Just once I cross the bridge of faith, everything feels so different. I don’t feel imprisoned by the feeling, my own understanding and thoughts. I feel so free :).

I’m ready to move on, and open myself for new things and new chances… ready to continue my journey alone… and I know… in the next few step in my life, I’ll meet my other half soulmate… :). So now… I want to enjoy every minute that I have with myself, I’m enjoying the solitude moment, having a private time to chat with the God that I believe, having my books with me, traveling to the places that I want to go, being with my lovely friends and family, doing my job, and writing as much as I can :).

Next thing to try… the sky diving, or something similar… I want to fly like a bird :)

I feel so free… :)

Posted: April 4th, 2008 under Sharing.
Comments: 2

Last year, I wrote my thought about marriage and commitment. By that time I didn’t know what exactly my point of view about marriage and commitment.

These days, the thought coming back to me, and I found something quite interesting, that in every marriage, there’s always a hardship, the cinderella story - forever and ever - is not there, and it needs a lot of effort from both side, awareness to work on the hardship coming should be there, or else.

To get married, or to stay in a long time commitment, is a big decision, where I think (as for myself) a careful thought should be made. I’ve seen people’s marriages. Some fails, some succeed, some struggling, and some others are great. From them I learn a lot of things, and the most important thing is that I need an equal partner. It means that both side, should have at least a basic fundamental agreement on how to walk on the journey together… such as how to solve the problems appear, how to understand each other, how to communicate to each other, etc. I also realize that there’s no instant equal partner, we all have to learn to grow together along the journey, understanding each other, and learn to adjust to each other. Love is needed, but I don’t think that I will get married just because of love.

I learn that love is the requirement for the marriage and commitment, because when you love someone, you will learn to give the best to the one you love. So I still have to review what kind of love offered… selfish love, or the pure love (though it’s very rare these days, I still believe it is exist somehow).

I’ve learnt from some close friends, by seeing their marriage lives, there are a common thing in their marriage:
- Trust is exist in their relationship
- Respect towards each other exist in their relationship
- Love - the type of giving love to each other also exist in their relationship
- Communication exist in a healthy way
- Vision - the couple has made a vision together as the goal of their journey together

And at the same time, I learn from those who have failed in their marriage:
- No trust to each other, or at least to one of the person
- No respect towards each other, or at least to one of the person
- No communication, everyone is talking, or one is keep on talking, and the other one rarely talk, or both rarely talk

The last one week, I’ve been thinking about whether I would like to participate myself in a marriage stage (life time commitment), the answer is YES, IF I can find someone who has the prospect of being an equal partner. And I also realize that I’m not in a hurry… well regarding my age which is over 30… I’m not afraid anymore, to spend more time to look carefully for the possible future equal partner for marriage, for it is a life time commitment. I have no time limit now, as I need to find someone that I can trust, respect, and have a good communication with, and able to learn to grow together. I know it will takes time to find one ;).

Marriage life doesn’t seem so scary anymore to me, and at the same time it is not an urgent thing to do :).

Love is a simple thing
Yet it feels so complicated
To commit to love in whatever situation
Need a faith that one is able

What is love without a trust?
What is love without a respect?
What is love without a good communication?
Love is nothing without cares

I do have the love for one
But I do not have a communication
While trust and respect still left unanswered
Should I wait?
Should I walk?
Still remain unanswered
Deep down inside something is whispering
To walk on faith
Let all alone

Posted: April 1st, 2008 under Thoughts.
Comments: 1

Just recently I realize that I live in fear. Fear about so many things, those out of my control. The fear bridges me to insecurity. The insecure feelings bring a lot of negativity. And I become a control freak for things that I can control, and feel so depress for things that I cannot control. The fear led me to nowhere, inability to choose a path to go and commit myself to things I choose. For months I’m searching what has been wrong. With a help from a best friend, I dig out the root of the problem. The fear of losing the precious things I already have, and the fear of not being able to get the thing I wish to have in life. Including the fear to experience the unpleasant things that had happened to me in the past - trauma.

The fear… halt me to reach my future. It blocks my feet to step forward. Because I fear that I will step on the wrong side.

A few days ago, one morning as I was doing my daily devotion, I read the writing titled “The Only Right Kind of Fear”, written by Joyce Meyer (New Day, New You). Joyce wrote that there’s only one right kind of fear described in the bible - the reverential fear and awe of God. The fear of God. Fearing God doesn’t mean being afraid of Him or believing He is going to hurt you. It is a type of godly respect that involves reverential fear and awe. If you have a reverent and worshipful fear, you will obey. You will do what God says to do, and your confidence and trust in Him will continue to grow. Having a referential fear and awe of God has a positive effect on our relationships with other people.

Yesterday afternoon, while I’m enjoying my quiet time by reading one of Paulo Coelho’s book, Brida… I read a paragraph describing about fear. When Brida always thinking that she might regret the choices she has made. She’s afraid of committing herself, and she ended up following no paths in her life. Even in the most important area in her life, love, she has failed to commit herself. She feared the pain, loss and separation.

And today as I think over my life… I hardly move myself from the present time to the future… because of fear… just like Brida… I fear the pain, the loss and the separation. I fear that I have made the wrong choices.

In conclusion, I realize that I should only fear of God. A worshipful fear to God. Instead of fearing the uncontrollable things I face in life. I shouldn’t fear about what I have now that might gone one day… I shouldn’t fear about my job, money, love and life. For as long as I do my job as if I’m doing it for God… God will bless me with wonderful chances… as long as I manage my finance in the ‘right’ way, I shouldn’t be afraid that I will have no money… as long as I learn to love in the ‘right’ way, I shouldn’t be afraid that I will be hurt… and as long as I learn to listen to the secret that my soul whisper to me, I shouldn’t be afraid that I’m choosing the wrong path. I’m learning to live in faith… that God is in control.

Posted: March 23rd, 2008 under Thoughts.
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Everything felt so different
Just the moment you entered the room
Though just a minute
It cheered up the heart
Light up the soul

It felt so great
The moment you embraced me
Hugging me with your arms
Soft kisses on my head

It was just a moment
It cured my gloomy heart

It was just a moment
I felt loved again for once

It was just a moment
A precious moment at one part of my life
When you were here with me

Posted: March 16th, 2008 under Poem.
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